Solstice Reflection

I'm not one myself to read bulletins... only if the title or the person catches my attention. I'm not good about reading friends blogs, or sending myspace messages, or making phone calls... but I am good at running into people at the right place at the right time.

For some reason, I felt guided to post this, hoping my friends, compadres, homies, cronies, crew, shipmates, fellow humans I've connected with, may take a moment to read my words and except my gratitude for friendships and support in life.

This year, 2007, has been one of transformation. Although we are all changing and transforming without even knowing it, I've been guided to a place of confidence and humble security in myself and my abilities... guided only by intuition and dreams, I've become a visceral being. An Axis of Manifestation.

Last fall, I asked the universe to take away all things from me that were no longer of service... my anger, my frustrations, insecurity.

The result of that was, indeed, healing in context, but in the literal sense, I had my apartment burglarized in January of this year, and lost all of the few belongings I had that meant something, that held my art, my computer, my cameras, my files, my inncocence burst when I walked into an apartment covered in shards of glass, and raped, bed sheets pulled off, belongings fingered by strange hands, strangely familiar hands....?

After that, it took me a while to piece my mind together... Kickboxing helped with the anger aspect, but what message was the universe showing me? Was I not using my possessions to make things happen? My dreams... was I wasting time?

I assumed "yes" and commmited to moving forward with a project that I've talked and talked and writtten about and dreamed about and envisioned, and winced and prayed and prayed and wished would come true,

"FLiCk" in 2001 was an impossibility for this young dreamer.

"FLiCk" in 2007 was proof that anything is possible.

As soon as i made the voiced commitment to the project.... that I was, indeed, moving to New York and getting my ass in gear for getting this done, imagining myself under the high buildings, towering above my little self, walking in and asking strangers for help, I was scared. But I knew what i wanted, and I had to listen to my mom's repetitious words.

"Shit, or get off the pot."

Thanks for your words of encouragement.

I was working at Vertigo at the time... the bar on Ingersoll were souls met up for no reason, drawn into it's unconscious whirlpool. That's where I met Merso, Megs, Julie, found a strength in myself and my ability to wield bullshit far away from me from drunken clients. Quit the Domestic Violence Shelter knowing that my purpose is not to fuel a fucked up machine, but to inspire others to grow and change coming from within. Vertigo. That's where I ran into Kelix Williams, G. Thomas, old cronies of my mentor, Roy A. Fisher.

A few words slipped out, and a new opportunity.

I didn't need to leave Des Moines to go to New York and make a film. I could bring New York necessities here, and make my project where I had the support and resources to make a low budget film.

Shortly after that, I went to an intuitive counselor here in Des Moines, ask me for details if you want, this is not something I usually do, but there was a strong need for me to get some outside words to help get solid.

Shortly after, movement, change... a summer love that fed off communication and candor and fun and new hope. An ambitious young woman that became my cheerleader, my roommate, my actress, my co-producer and an absolute inspiration.

Friends that believed in me, and believed in the dream.. one that extended further beyond my imagination than I ever dreamt possible.

Vertigo closed. Freedom, room for new birth.

I travelled a bit with my father and worked on the final drafts of Flick, after having been drafting for 5 years already... I flew to California and drove acrossed the states in two and a half days back to Des Moines with my little sister/best friend... the salt flats of Utah smelling of mint oreo dirt and my ambitions. Received a job at Starbucks, and tied the multi colored dreadlocks of Ukweli into my own hair.... another random connection at Blondies Beauty Parlor, donations to the dream.

Rewriting rewriting, meetings, work, visualization, phone calls, airline tickets, moving out, moving into the womb on 29th street... A Kidney Infection that forced me to rest and reflect at the hospital. A new partner, a nervous signature at the bank, the naming Axis Manifest, LLC ...finishing the script at 4am October 4, 2007, just in time for the first read through... the loss of a parent for the dearest of friends of mine.

Too many parallels, too many connections between the story and the reality, the characters and their players. Intentions of cathartic healing, of acting out our alter egos, our shadows, our light and darks, prancing acrossed metaphors that lead to our own simple enlightenments.

A prayer asking for guidance.

The gratitude that got me through the hardest days I've experienced in creative processes.

The words of strangers sticking with me, the support of clients, friends, family, teachers, fellow students. We believe in you. The universe believes in you.

Two years ago on a cruiseship in the middle of the Baltic seas, a mentor and friend from Turkey told me that any dream or thought with enough love behind it will find away to manifest and materialize itself.

With no experience, I, with the help of a few solid and amazing individuals, moved mountains in a matter of weeks... so few of us with a few words in our hearts to keep us going.

Faith. Trust.

Trust.

The visceral moments were what drove me... Rather than listening to my reeling mind, I followed the feeling in my chest, my true radar.

Asking for the guidance of my teacher, Joy Renee, who died the day before I went to hospital this year.

The Violet Flame.

Transformation is not always daisies and sunshine.

Transformation can be ugly, brutal, simple, aware, death, stagnance, beautiful disaster.

It's all about choice, and what we do with it. This is Our human experience.

I wonder sometimes if I am meant to be a beacon for others. That if my dream can find a way to materialize, that anyone with enough passion, faith and trust, and get up and go to them, can find away to make anything happen.

That my thirteen year old self is giving me thumbs up sign from the dark notebooks of a depressed youth, so conscious, too young to understand.

Doing exactly what I mean to be doing.



The laughter of my classmates circa fifth grade, nine years old, laughing at me,still stings my ears, as I said to our guest speaker

"I believe anything is possible."



With enough love, with enough patience, awareness, conscious attention to one's intuition, I've followed my heart, and I had a crew of the most amazing, brilliant, talented, honest, faithful, fantastic group of people I have ever been blessed to meet.

I hope some of you read this and realize how very much you mean to me. My "Thank you's" on set became repetetive, but with each cadence, my gratitude resonated more and more.

Those hard days, asleep at 6am, awake at 10 30 am with phone ringing and plans to make, wanting to run away, wanting to get the fuck out of there, to crawl in a hole, to cry, to weep, throw my arms up and surrender, too hard, too much, so much chaos.

Gratitude, I'd say to myself. You've asked for this gift, don't run from it.


Gratitude, to all of you, on this day, on the Solstice, the day the sun is born again, and winter is upon us, I wish you a holiday time of love, reflection, family, catharsis, and anything that you need it to be for your own healing and growth.

I wish the best in 2008 for all of you....

And may you receive all that you desire from life, for it is only this one time that you have the opportunity to be you, at this place, at this time in the span of existence.


With great love, gratitude, warmth and candor.

Lauren Kathleen Hickman
December 21, 2007

closer

We're a week from production mandatory meetings.

LLC's set up. Credit line established. Flights from New York to Des Moines and back purchased.

Here comes Trust, to throw us blows and punches in the face, testing our strength... our endurance, our faith.

The screenplay, now organized into sections of years and editing is thicker than a phonebook.

Changes in dialogue, in purpose, in intention, transformed to fit more and more in the concept of transmutation, transformation.

The Violet Flame representing the cathartic and enlightening pain and cause of the characters need for movement, forward, backwards, sideways, up or down, death, rebirth.

As I've said. Trust. I'm lacking sleep, but full of gratitude and faith in how this will all follow through.

thoughts

Feel like I'm posed, at the starting line... all my ducks in a row, ready, waiting... waiting to go....

oh, woe... neglectful me...

This last few weeks.

I tell you what.

When I thought Ukweli's hair tied into my own was the phasing step towards accepting the reality of this project; I was wrong.

When I thought Grant Monohon shaking the hand of G. Thomas and saying, "looking forward to working with ya'" was the acceptance; I was wrong.

Laying, in the hospital bed for three days, studying the scripts of others, relaxing and paying for it, I thought that was acceptance....

It may have been.

The utter and destructive force of self doubt was present in me for a long while...

It still creeps in at moments of instability, but...

Before my talk with Tana Goertz, her sheer "can do" attitude, faith and support in myself and my project, I don't know if I could be where I'm at.

The late nights the last few weeks, late, as in 4 a.m. kind of later, writing, editing....

It's not so much about writing anyore.

Grant pointed to me one night as I was outlining (once again.)

"You're still outlining, Lauren?
We gotta' talk."

"Every scene is written... I just have to set them in the right order.'

Those words transformed into the finished product, hitting deadline straight in the face, asked to finish six years in one week, and able to do it with the support, emotion and brilliance of Grant, late night, talking and smoking over ideas.

The first read through was a complete success. My delightful and multi-faceted-never-cease-to-amaze-me assistant Miss Nicole, has been a true blessing and enormous piece to this puzzle coming together.

I am in gratitude, over and over and over again... each moment swelling in my heart... the devotion and manifestation of a dream.

People ask me, where've you been?

Writing. Working.

Aren't you tired.

No. I love this work, this work loves me and we're meant to make this a reality.

There is no tire in chasing dreams.

I think about the possibilities....

Filing a LLC this week... "Axis Manifest, LLC" protecting me.

A bank account, a credit line with colateral... shipping postage payments, checks desired only for the Library of Congress and the Writers Guild West. Processed forms from the Screen Actor's Guild.

E-mails sent, desires meant and articulated to actors and models

Owning my Surrender

Now before anyone gets all thrilled by the potential of me just relaxing and not being so bossy, don't get your hopes up. But I am understanding collaboration in a way that I have never been able to do before. I think the point is trust. I trust Lauren and the story she has written. I trust Grant and his faith in the actor he knows will play Jon well. And after speaking to that actor, I trust him too.

I can let go a little bit and enjoy the process. So if you have been telling me that I need to relax (I'm not pointing fingers...) please know that it's a matter of making this thing perfect and until I know faith in you would be well placed I can't put it there. But I've done that over the last week or so. I feel like we are making Flick a little family to raise it. I joke "Flick has two mommies" but now I think Flick has a Daddy or tow and a bunch of uncles, aunts and cousins to help...it takes a village or whatever...


Okay, enough squishy stuff.

October 4, 2007 4am

Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever read these thoughts... as far apart as they are spaced.

Renewal after my hospital stay and plenty of fluids.... and antibiotics.... Having never stayed there, I figured I would rest, as I was, in fact, paying to do so.

Grant Monohon left today, back to New York, but we had a productive week.

I finished the screenplay.

And this time, I mean it.

It's been a journey. After the first read through, prayers and gratitude generated from myself and all present, I took Saturday afternoon to dig through my "Flick box" as it's been dubbed. I found scratches of notebook paper from 2002. I laughed heartily at how young I was when I first was sketching photos of Ukweli, taking notes about the lighter, and trying to figure out what color the fucking thing was, and what the characters names were.

My, has the story evolved... just as I have.

I have to mention that I couldn't have done it without the random strangers, close friends, and late night coffee or booze talks with folks, forming, shaping and characterizing the stories.

Now, just mixed up in emotions and paperwork, I await tomorrow, beginning my LLC and asking myself if I'm willing to sign over my car for a credit line loan from the bank.

the answer is "yes." I would do anything to protect this project.

I don't know if any of us real know the impact this will have.... even if it takes twenty years.

I just know, I'm imagining myself toasting with champagne in December, holding that ideal picture in my head of the end of the project, and the strength and courage it will take to get through the next two months.

I've been preparing myself for this for six years.

Stay tuned... it's going to be an amazing adventure.

In the hospital

So i've been sick. For a while now.

I can't say if it's a combination of work and stress, and playing too hard when I have time off, or the late night up smoking cigarettes and staring at my computer screen in the dark, digging through the piles of notes and thoughts and digesting 6 years and hoping to manifest something truly purposeful. Meaningful.

I had to get over myself. I had to get over my self doubt, insecurity, fear, anxiety.

In having faith and so much love for one thing, there has to be trust. And I have my moments of being 18 again and going... woa. this is so big.

then, i get sick. very sick, can't stand up sick... days blending into eachother sick, so close to the end.

Laying in the bathtub asking zeth to take notes and listen to my visions... playgrounds and stars.

now, in the hospital, still not much better... I realize that not only am I writing about transformation.... i too, am transforming.

now, once i can get this IV out of my arm, i'm sure i'll be ready to write.

good intentions people... send me what you've got.