I ate my random dose of Blueberry Pancakes today...
It seems to be one of those things, along with 333 that remind me to keep moving along with the project.
As I personally work on my very own "trust" and "acceptance" issues in this world, I learn that it's not just a concept that you wave around and encourage others to do, but it's an application that comes with daily life, the chaos and reconstruction of one's world-view. Trust is not just a word... it's a way of being.
Mr. B the editor has the film in his capable hands, and I go about my business spreading the word, organizing the papers the thoughts, the to-do list that comes with a project of this magnitude... It's not particularly easy when you don't have the funding, the producers, the distributors, the money to back and propel a project that comes from the heart alone, but the hearts of many have faith, as do I, and one day at a time, we keep out hearts focused on the end result, our feet in the direction of the present path, and our hands moving to keep our minds from demanding guilt or frustration or the "why's?" that will put one in a place of hopelessness.
Hopelessness is not a possibility in this world. If you don't have faith in the process, you have nothing but despair, and despair is not easy to live with.
Reconnecting with old artistic cronies of mine... it seems the deeper I get into the mud and beauty of this process of manifesting a dream, the more I realize that nothing is an accident, and we meet all the right people at the right times to make things work.
Follow your gut, the little voice whispers, and keep swimming. You'll find the way... follow your heart.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Sunday, November 30, 2008
november again.
It's the end of November again.
Just a year ago, I was in the cooling wake of the biggest event of my life thus far. The film production of "Flick", the biggest dream I ever dreamed.
Thanksgiving was an event, the whole Hickman clan in Des Moines, Iowa, along with the strays, my film crew that was more my family at that time, my creative family, than my DNA linked one was. We feasted and drank and spoke of our exhaustion, the next day.. back to work.
18 hour days and a sense of urgency, an overwhelming lack of sleep, nourishment and sanity sent me into battles with my self esteem, with my self assurance. Allowing the project to follow it's flow, not trying to grab the reigns too tight, but in post production reflection, i can see my weaknesses.
Those around me say it doesn't matter... the fact that you did it gives creedence to any imperfections. It could be still on scraps of napkins and notebook paper from years past. Maybe thrown away in an intense cleaning ritual, or buried in other paper works and dreamt projects.
But it's digitally in existence and it's being manipulated, first by myself for 600 hours, and now in the hands of another. Calculating... waiting to build enough momentum, enough energy to finish this next task. If it took x amount of momentum to fuel production... how long will it take to get to the finish? To have a finalized product with sound and editing and holistic purpose?
I await, patiently. Living my life, bouting with creative funk and low to the next peak, the next axis. I feel out of alignment in this patience though. What to prepare? The hopelessness of so many other indie films that were never seen.
People ask me if I await fame. I don't, I say. I want to finish something that I began. Then, I will do my best to get it out for the world to view, to take inspiration from, or aim criticism at.
Flick has been my heartbeat for years now, in a large way... it keeps me going.
signing off for now,
L.K.H.
Brooklyn, NY
Just a year ago, I was in the cooling wake of the biggest event of my life thus far. The film production of "Flick", the biggest dream I ever dreamed.
Thanksgiving was an event, the whole Hickman clan in Des Moines, Iowa, along with the strays, my film crew that was more my family at that time, my creative family, than my DNA linked one was. We feasted and drank and spoke of our exhaustion, the next day.. back to work.
18 hour days and a sense of urgency, an overwhelming lack of sleep, nourishment and sanity sent me into battles with my self esteem, with my self assurance. Allowing the project to follow it's flow, not trying to grab the reigns too tight, but in post production reflection, i can see my weaknesses.
Those around me say it doesn't matter... the fact that you did it gives creedence to any imperfections. It could be still on scraps of napkins and notebook paper from years past. Maybe thrown away in an intense cleaning ritual, or buried in other paper works and dreamt projects.
But it's digitally in existence and it's being manipulated, first by myself for 600 hours, and now in the hands of another. Calculating... waiting to build enough momentum, enough energy to finish this next task. If it took x amount of momentum to fuel production... how long will it take to get to the finish? To have a finalized product with sound and editing and holistic purpose?
I await, patiently. Living my life, bouting with creative funk and low to the next peak, the next axis. I feel out of alignment in this patience though. What to prepare? The hopelessness of so many other indie films that were never seen.
People ask me if I await fame. I don't, I say. I want to finish something that I began. Then, I will do my best to get it out for the world to view, to take inspiration from, or aim criticism at.
Flick has been my heartbeat for years now, in a large way... it keeps me going.
signing off for now,
L.K.H.
Brooklyn, NY
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
blog neglect
It's been a hangover. A creative one, at that.
The months after production of "FLiCk" were not easy ones. The drain that the key participants endured was exhausting... broke, hungry, tired; we were all fairly stagnant and still after the pouring out of every ounce of energy we had to give.
I have yet to give myself time to recount the events in my journals, letalone on the interweb.
The whole thing seems like a dream. There are so many details that exist in the back of my mind that I've subconsciously stored for later, safekeeping. It was an endurance test, and we were running a marathon against time.
Fourteen work days. Seven years of dreaming on my part. Twenty years now since the concept of the lighter was conceived by my mentor, Roy and his cohorts Kelix and G Thomas in 1988. 6 months of planning with my incredible co producer, Miss Nicole, and one month, 14 days of which we spent pushing ourselves to limits we never thought possible.
David Anthony, my hero; our cinematographer, lighting specialist, asst. director and believer.
Grant Monohon, my friend and fire; actor, assistant director and acting coach (also stylist.)
Nicole Schafer, my partner in crime, driving me forward; co producer, actress, story input
Aaron Ward, my favorite plant. The sound department, and future film scorist.
Meghen West, friend and rock. My work horse, my runner, assistant in production.
Mersud Dolic, roommate, ex boss, and favorite brother whose not a brother, actor and workhorse.
Roy Fisher, my mentor. Actor, set design and implementer of getting shit done.
Travis Johnson, my mail-order actor, Lead Supporting actor, workhorse and acting coach
Joshua Boyd, inspiration. Actor and dreamer, performer of poetry.
Jessica DeRegnier, my saving grace. Showed up in time to costume, tape, stitch, clean, organize, and save my ass.
Fej Williams, designed the logo and supported
Masses of friends that showed up when they could.
Brandon Lanciel, brought the ladders, the cords, and believed in me.
Kelli Jo Sweeney, available, inspiring, and rocked Lucy hardcore.
Molly Kotval, my easy going and beautiful starshine.
Aaron "AceFoto" Christensen, showed up when he could to save the day and do promotional shots.
Starbucks, for giving us coffee, and giving me a month off to follow my dream.
Kimberly Carpenter, for teaching me and supporting me through my insecurities.
Patrick Boltinghouse, Make-up, female impersonator and beautiful, strong energy.
Lindsey, make up artists, assistant to Nicole, and an amazing individual.
Jason Simpson, for his support and donations of time and Zanzibar Coffee onsight. He is out of sight.
Emily Svec, for being supportive, even in her illness.
John Hansen, for donating an editing program and his emails of strength during the hardest moments of my life.
Jim Nervig, for law advice and starting up my LLC, Axis Manifest
Kevin Thomas McCarthy, second assistant director and believer in the dream
Nick Strickland, for all his strength, support, and teaching skills in post production editing and hope.
Seth Nosbusch
Jonny Ringo Gearino
Melissa Engleen
Brent Houzenga and Michelle Phillips
Blake Brown
Justin Collins
Jared, Rainbow, and the Locust Tap
The Beechwood Lounge, for allowing us to be random.
Scott Baskerville, of Scot's Shoppe, Valley Junction, for allowing us to create on his premise.
Cydnie Owens, my beautiful inspiration for "Del" and her hardwork
Cydnie's dude Brandon for being around
Viken, for photography and group bullshit
Heather and Laura of Lasting Impressions for being the hottest drunk girls I have ever met.
Eric Wickes, for support and showing up when I needed him
Katherine Rains, for putting up with Joshua being gone all the time, and for her help with the Poster
Express Print on Ingersoll for lending a hand
Garrett from Earlham Savings Bank and the Loan!
Kirk Hartung, for thoughts on the logo and laws
Brandon Mann, for showing up and giving it his all to be "Friend" in the film.
Roy Fisher and his Limo and love and support and for giving me "Flick"
G Thomas Fergerson, for believing in me and helping me to establish a new story
Kelix Williams, for his support and love and patience in editing
My parents, for putting up with me and all my talk before the time was right, the stars aligned to make this happen.
My sisters. I love you.
My grandparents, Cy and Roz Kirk for believing in me and my dream
Carole Lee Dean, from From the Heart Productions, for her phone call, denying a grant, but congratulations on the concept
Satyrus for his consultation
All my friends who watched me disappear for a year, and welcomed me back when I was ready to emerge.
All the randoms that loved the idea.
The Waveland Cafe,
My father, for providing apartment #6 for me to trash and rearrange, over and over and over again.
Karen Downing, my creative writing teacher from highschool that inspires me every day.
Mr Jim Lamson, my drama teacher from highschool that continues to inspire me.
Jason Scott Hoffman, for being my teddy bear trooper.
Jimmy John's for putting up with our enormous orders at 2am
Big Tomato Pizza for providing pizzas to feed the troops.
The City of Des Moines, for not arresting us at 3am shooting film on the streets of our city
The Screen Actor's Guild, Kay Woods and all the awesome folks that didn't restrict us although our paperwork was late.
Micah Gerger, for helping me with the script and his belief in the dream
the number 333
three stars
The East Village
The Continental-- sorry the christmas lighting is still up
Dr. Mithra Osiris Gonzalez, for his belief in me
All the nurses at Lutheran hospital when I was hospitalized for three days in September.
Linda Monohon, R.I.P.
i don't know how many names I've missed in the seven years it's taken me to get to this point.
If you know me. If we've ever spoken, if I've ever handed you a card and asked for your support, Thank you.
I feel so rich with gratitude and abundance for every one and everything that has ever touched my life and led me to this point.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Signing off for now,
With love,
Lauren Kathleen Hickman
The months after production of "FLiCk" were not easy ones. The drain that the key participants endured was exhausting... broke, hungry, tired; we were all fairly stagnant and still after the pouring out of every ounce of energy we had to give.
I have yet to give myself time to recount the events in my journals, letalone on the interweb.
The whole thing seems like a dream. There are so many details that exist in the back of my mind that I've subconsciously stored for later, safekeeping. It was an endurance test, and we were running a marathon against time.
Fourteen work days. Seven years of dreaming on my part. Twenty years now since the concept of the lighter was conceived by my mentor, Roy and his cohorts Kelix and G Thomas in 1988. 6 months of planning with my incredible co producer, Miss Nicole, and one month, 14 days of which we spent pushing ourselves to limits we never thought possible.
David Anthony, my hero; our cinematographer, lighting specialist, asst. director and believer.
Grant Monohon, my friend and fire; actor, assistant director and acting coach (also stylist.)
Nicole Schafer, my partner in crime, driving me forward; co producer, actress, story input
Aaron Ward, my favorite plant. The sound department, and future film scorist.
Meghen West, friend and rock. My work horse, my runner, assistant in production.
Mersud Dolic, roommate, ex boss, and favorite brother whose not a brother, actor and workhorse.
Roy Fisher, my mentor. Actor, set design and implementer of getting shit done.
Travis Johnson, my mail-order actor, Lead Supporting actor, workhorse and acting coach
Joshua Boyd, inspiration. Actor and dreamer, performer of poetry.
Jessica DeRegnier, my saving grace. Showed up in time to costume, tape, stitch, clean, organize, and save my ass.
Fej Williams, designed the logo and supported
Masses of friends that showed up when they could.
Brandon Lanciel, brought the ladders, the cords, and believed in me.
Kelli Jo Sweeney, available, inspiring, and rocked Lucy hardcore.
Molly Kotval, my easy going and beautiful starshine.
Aaron "AceFoto" Christensen, showed up when he could to save the day and do promotional shots.
Starbucks, for giving us coffee, and giving me a month off to follow my dream.
Kimberly Carpenter, for teaching me and supporting me through my insecurities.
Patrick Boltinghouse, Make-up, female impersonator and beautiful, strong energy.
Lindsey, make up artists, assistant to Nicole, and an amazing individual.
Jason Simpson, for his support and donations of time and Zanzibar Coffee onsight. He is out of sight.
Emily Svec, for being supportive, even in her illness.
John Hansen, for donating an editing program and his emails of strength during the hardest moments of my life.
Jim Nervig, for law advice and starting up my LLC, Axis Manifest
Kevin Thomas McCarthy, second assistant director and believer in the dream
Nick Strickland, for all his strength, support, and teaching skills in post production editing and hope.
Seth Nosbusch
Jonny Ringo Gearino
Melissa Engleen
Brent Houzenga and Michelle Phillips
Blake Brown
Justin Collins
Jared, Rainbow, and the Locust Tap
The Beechwood Lounge, for allowing us to be random.
Scott Baskerville, of Scot's Shoppe, Valley Junction, for allowing us to create on his premise.
Cydnie Owens, my beautiful inspiration for "Del" and her hardwork
Cydnie's dude Brandon for being around
Viken, for photography and group bullshit
Heather and Laura of Lasting Impressions for being the hottest drunk girls I have ever met.
Eric Wickes, for support and showing up when I needed him
Katherine Rains, for putting up with Joshua being gone all the time, and for her help with the Poster
Express Print on Ingersoll for lending a hand
Garrett from Earlham Savings Bank and the Loan!
Kirk Hartung, for thoughts on the logo and laws
Brandon Mann, for showing up and giving it his all to be "Friend" in the film.
Roy Fisher and his Limo and love and support and for giving me "Flick"
G Thomas Fergerson, for believing in me and helping me to establish a new story
Kelix Williams, for his support and love and patience in editing
My parents, for putting up with me and all my talk before the time was right, the stars aligned to make this happen.
My sisters. I love you.
My grandparents, Cy and Roz Kirk for believing in me and my dream
Carole Lee Dean, from From the Heart Productions, for her phone call, denying a grant, but congratulations on the concept
Satyrus for his consultation
All my friends who watched me disappear for a year, and welcomed me back when I was ready to emerge.
All the randoms that loved the idea.
The Waveland Cafe,
My father, for providing apartment #6 for me to trash and rearrange, over and over and over again.
Karen Downing, my creative writing teacher from highschool that inspires me every day.
Mr Jim Lamson, my drama teacher from highschool that continues to inspire me.
Jason Scott Hoffman, for being my teddy bear trooper.
Jimmy John's for putting up with our enormous orders at 2am
Big Tomato Pizza for providing pizzas to feed the troops.
The City of Des Moines, for not arresting us at 3am shooting film on the streets of our city
The Screen Actor's Guild, Kay Woods and all the awesome folks that didn't restrict us although our paperwork was late.
Micah Gerger, for helping me with the script and his belief in the dream
the number 333
three stars
The East Village
The Continental-- sorry the christmas lighting is still up
Dr. Mithra Osiris Gonzalez, for his belief in me
All the nurses at Lutheran hospital when I was hospitalized for three days in September.
Linda Monohon, R.I.P.
i don't know how many names I've missed in the seven years it's taken me to get to this point.
If you know me. If we've ever spoken, if I've ever handed you a card and asked for your support, Thank you.
I feel so rich with gratitude and abundance for every one and everything that has ever touched my life and led me to this point.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Signing off for now,
With love,
Lauren Kathleen Hickman
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
