closer

We're a week from production mandatory meetings.

LLC's set up. Credit line established. Flights from New York to Des Moines and back purchased.

Here comes Trust, to throw us blows and punches in the face, testing our strength... our endurance, our faith.

The screenplay, now organized into sections of years and editing is thicker than a phonebook.

Changes in dialogue, in purpose, in intention, transformed to fit more and more in the concept of transmutation, transformation.

The Violet Flame representing the cathartic and enlightening pain and cause of the characters need for movement, forward, backwards, sideways, up or down, death, rebirth.

As I've said. Trust. I'm lacking sleep, but full of gratitude and faith in how this will all follow through.

thoughts

Feel like I'm posed, at the starting line... all my ducks in a row, ready, waiting... waiting to go....

oh, woe... neglectful me...

This last few weeks.

I tell you what.

When I thought Ukweli's hair tied into my own was the phasing step towards accepting the reality of this project; I was wrong.

When I thought Grant Monohon shaking the hand of G. Thomas and saying, "looking forward to working with ya'" was the acceptance; I was wrong.

Laying, in the hospital bed for three days, studying the scripts of others, relaxing and paying for it, I thought that was acceptance....

It may have been.

The utter and destructive force of self doubt was present in me for a long while...

It still creeps in at moments of instability, but...

Before my talk with Tana Goertz, her sheer "can do" attitude, faith and support in myself and my project, I don't know if I could be where I'm at.

The late nights the last few weeks, late, as in 4 a.m. kind of later, writing, editing....

It's not so much about writing anyore.

Grant pointed to me one night as I was outlining (once again.)

"You're still outlining, Lauren?
We gotta' talk."

"Every scene is written... I just have to set them in the right order.'

Those words transformed into the finished product, hitting deadline straight in the face, asked to finish six years in one week, and able to do it with the support, emotion and brilliance of Grant, late night, talking and smoking over ideas.

The first read through was a complete success. My delightful and multi-faceted-never-cease-to-amaze-me assistant Miss Nicole, has been a true blessing and enormous piece to this puzzle coming together.

I am in gratitude, over and over and over again... each moment swelling in my heart... the devotion and manifestation of a dream.

People ask me, where've you been?

Writing. Working.

Aren't you tired.

No. I love this work, this work loves me and we're meant to make this a reality.

There is no tire in chasing dreams.

I think about the possibilities....

Filing a LLC this week... "Axis Manifest, LLC" protecting me.

A bank account, a credit line with colateral... shipping postage payments, checks desired only for the Library of Congress and the Writers Guild West. Processed forms from the Screen Actor's Guild.

E-mails sent, desires meant and articulated to actors and models

Owning my Surrender

Now before anyone gets all thrilled by the potential of me just relaxing and not being so bossy, don't get your hopes up. But I am understanding collaboration in a way that I have never been able to do before. I think the point is trust. I trust Lauren and the story she has written. I trust Grant and his faith in the actor he knows will play Jon well. And after speaking to that actor, I trust him too.

I can let go a little bit and enjoy the process. So if you have been telling me that I need to relax (I'm not pointing fingers...) please know that it's a matter of making this thing perfect and until I know faith in you would be well placed I can't put it there. But I've done that over the last week or so. I feel like we are making Flick a little family to raise it. I joke "Flick has two mommies" but now I think Flick has a Daddy or tow and a bunch of uncles, aunts and cousins to help...it takes a village or whatever...


Okay, enough squishy stuff.

October 4, 2007 4am

Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever read these thoughts... as far apart as they are spaced.

Renewal after my hospital stay and plenty of fluids.... and antibiotics.... Having never stayed there, I figured I would rest, as I was, in fact, paying to do so.

Grant Monohon left today, back to New York, but we had a productive week.

I finished the screenplay.

And this time, I mean it.

It's been a journey. After the first read through, prayers and gratitude generated from myself and all present, I took Saturday afternoon to dig through my "Flick box" as it's been dubbed. I found scratches of notebook paper from 2002. I laughed heartily at how young I was when I first was sketching photos of Ukweli, taking notes about the lighter, and trying to figure out what color the fucking thing was, and what the characters names were.

My, has the story evolved... just as I have.

I have to mention that I couldn't have done it without the random strangers, close friends, and late night coffee or booze talks with folks, forming, shaping and characterizing the stories.

Now, just mixed up in emotions and paperwork, I await tomorrow, beginning my LLC and asking myself if I'm willing to sign over my car for a credit line loan from the bank.

the answer is "yes." I would do anything to protect this project.

I don't know if any of us real know the impact this will have.... even if it takes twenty years.

I just know, I'm imagining myself toasting with champagne in December, holding that ideal picture in my head of the end of the project, and the strength and courage it will take to get through the next two months.

I've been preparing myself for this for six years.

Stay tuned... it's going to be an amazing adventure.