In the hospital

So i've been sick. For a while now.

I can't say if it's a combination of work and stress, and playing too hard when I have time off, or the late night up smoking cigarettes and staring at my computer screen in the dark, digging through the piles of notes and thoughts and digesting 6 years and hoping to manifest something truly purposeful. Meaningful.

I had to get over myself. I had to get over my self doubt, insecurity, fear, anxiety.

In having faith and so much love for one thing, there has to be trust. And I have my moments of being 18 again and going... woa. this is so big.

then, i get sick. very sick, can't stand up sick... days blending into eachother sick, so close to the end.

Laying in the bathtub asking zeth to take notes and listen to my visions... playgrounds and stars.

now, in the hospital, still not much better... I realize that not only am I writing about transformation.... i too, am transforming.

now, once i can get this IV out of my arm, i'm sure i'll be ready to write.

good intentions people... send me what you've got.

transformations

Let's forget about August, shall we.

I noticed tonight, on about the eleventh rewrite of this whole "screenplay" incident... (I have the story in my head, can't everyone just plug in and manifest it along with me???)

I noticed myself drinking lemonade out of wine glass, still smoking in the occassional breaks of wrist cramps, I remind myself of the nights spent sleeplessly attacking a bottle of wine and my computer screen... channeling a story that I still haven't contained.

I look at the rewrites, the cultivations and find them corelated with myself.

A little less conversation, a little more action.
Show, don't tell.


I'm exhausted, yet felt the need to share Shiva's destructive and birthing presence in everything involved in my life.

Fire cleanses, destroys, and gives space for new birth.